I realize something. It wasn’t that I just ate all the things for no reason. Oh, there were reasons! There ARE still reasons. Many time the thought will come: “THIS is what I was trying to avoid with over eating!”
I tell that thought to shut up. I still want to eat for many reasons like feeling tired or bored. I just don’t eat like I used to in response. I still do too much eating, but not with so many of the worst possible foods.
It will take some time and growth to sort out new responses and new actions.
If you don’t have the time or inclination to do a deep dive, just let me spoil this whole post by saying it was all basically based in perfectionism.
One big thing I realize is that there are things that are very important to me and if they don’t get done I felt really bad. So it was easier just not to bother anyone with my preferences and opinions rather than speak my preference and it be ignored. It was easier to pick up some fast food and call that getting what I wanted than to actually take steps to get what I needed.
Now that I speak up, I am awkward and not smooth or casual. I am so overly emotional and defensive. If people don’t IMMEDIATELY affirm me, I just want to go nuts.
Improvement can take time and work. You know what takes very little time and not much work ? Picking up some cheap fast food! Working toward actual long term goals was not something I had the strength and energy to pursue. It is very hard to say what I want, maybe no one is excited about… but I stand my ground or insist… or maybe I bring it up another time. It just depends. I am realizing avoiding conflict, or avoiding upsetting someone is not a worthy pursuit. It is a whole brave new frontier for me.
I hope that very soon, I will grow comfortable speaking up, compromising and fighting for the things that are important to me. Without any of the flooding of emotions that come with it now.
All new things are uncomfortable at first. Until you do them over and over and then they are effortless or at least not the hardest thing in the world anymore. With too many things, I never gave myself a real chance to get used to it. I gave up too soon on to many things. You know what makes you feel good instantly? Picking up cheap fast food!
Rewarding myself quickly with food boosted my mood. At least temporarily. I made a short cut in my brain. Whenever something doesn’t feel right my default thought is of food!
It is hard to even define what I am feeling beyond “I want food.”
The holiday season has brought up a lot of feelings of “I want food.” I am still not completely sure why I felt this season was so hard. And what I would have done differently. I am so accustomed to just deferring to what others want. I think that seems easier than taking ownership of my opinion. And working to make my life something that I want.