I overate to avoid THIS

I realize something. It wasn’t that I just ate all the things for no reason. Oh, there were reasons! There ARE still reasons. Many time the thought will come: “THIS is what I was trying to avoid with over eating!”

I tell that thought to shut up. I still want to eat for many reasons like feeling tired or bored. I just don’t eat like I used to in response. I still do too much eating, but not with so many of the worst possible foods.

It will take some time and growth to sort out new responses and new actions.

If you don’t have the time or inclination to do a deep dive, just let me spoil this whole post by saying it was all basically based in perfectionism.

One big thing I realize is that there are things that are very important to me and if they don’t get done I felt really bad. So it was easier just not to bother anyone with my preferences and opinions rather than speak my preference and it be ignored. It was easier to pick up some fast food and call that getting what I wanted than to actually take steps to get what I needed.

Now that I speak up, I am awkward and not smooth or casual. I am so overly emotional and defensive. If people don’t IMMEDIATELY affirm me, I just want to go nuts.

Improvement can take time and work. You know what takes very little time and not much work ? Picking up some cheap fast food! Working toward actual long term goals was not something I had the strength and energy to pursue. It is very hard to say what I want, maybe no one is excited about… but I stand my ground or insist… or maybe I bring it up another time. It just depends. I am realizing avoiding conflict, or avoiding upsetting someone is not a worthy pursuit. It is a whole brave new frontier for me.

I hope that very soon, I will grow comfortable speaking up, compromising and fighting for the things that are important to me. Without any of the flooding of emotions that come with it now.

All new things are uncomfortable at first. Until you do them over and over and then they are effortless or at least not the hardest thing in the world anymore. With too many things, I never gave myself a real chance to get used to it. I gave up too soon on to many things. You know what makes you feel good instantly? Picking up cheap fast food!

Rewarding myself quickly with food boosted my mood. At least temporarily. I made a short cut in my brain. Whenever something doesn’t feel right my default thought is of food!

It is hard to even define what I am feeling beyond “I want food.”

The holiday season has brought up a lot of feelings of “I want food.” I am still not completely sure why I felt this season was so hard. And what I would have done differently. I am so accustomed to just deferring to what others want. I think that seems easier than taking ownership of my opinion. And working to make my life something that I want.

The Chase

The whole diet thing, our struggles with finances, even housekeeping. Everything really is all about the chase. Everything I do is for the reward. I wash my clothes for the reward of clean clothes. I hang them up instead of leaving them in the basket because I want to enjoy the reward of pulling wrinkle free clothes off of the hanger in the closet.

I have noticed when eating a certain way, I look for the “free” food. What is the food that I can have all I want of? Is it celery? Is it sweet potatoes? Is it pork rinds? Is it sugar free jello? Or is it a beverage? Coffee? Coffee with sugar free cream?

Losing 100 lbs doing keto was fairly easy and straight forward. When you have 200 lbs to lose, and you stop eating sugar and lower your carbs, the weight just comes off! I didn’t worry about overeating keto foods. I was just focused on not eating too many carbs. I specifically mean grains and sugars. Because eating a bunch of peanuts has carbs. And I used to do that a lot. And I was still using artificial sweeteners.

It is about a year later and after taking a break from focusing on losing more weight, I am ready to level up. I am ready to do what it takes to feel better. I am ready to cut out, add in, whatever!

The one thing I am nervous about is the chase. What am I really chasing when I want to chomp on something crunchy? And how will I cope with the negative feelings that have been coming up more and more as I go along?

My one hope is seeing our success in other areas (housekeeping and finances). For Christmas this year, we spent less money. We only got “good” gifts for people, not great gifts. Initially, it was hard for me not to show my love by buying gifts, but My husband reminded me that this year, we would show love with making memories and spending time. I saw great returns on this!

I have great hope that we will also figure this out!

Things I am satisfied with in 2019

1. Good enough is good enough. I don’t know it all, I don’t do everything the way I want to, the way I think it should be done. I am satisfied just reaching for it and trying again. No need to be upset “until”.

2. If what I am doing now is wrong, I trust that I will figure it out. No need to constantly second guess.

3. I love myself. And I like myself. I spend all the time in the world with myself! Might as well find delight and be at peace with how I am instead of trying to constantly change myself.

4. I finally have learned to see things for how they actually ARE instead of how I want them to be. And that is good because I will appreciate my progress because I know where I started.

5. I have gotten to know myself. Not what I wish I was, but what I really am. Personally tests were a huge help. I have stopped fighting my natural tendencies and embracing the things that are what makes me ME!

6. Just because something is hard and feels awkward today doesn’t mean it will stay that way. I will eventually become comfortable and knowledgeable as I get to understand it more. I don’t have to freeze until I get something 100%. I can move forward and it will all come together. Eventually! 😉

If I could be thin, but constantly endure the negative thoughts and cravings, I think I would rather stay fat.

Some days I want to give up. Some days the hope that I can be free of all of this just feels too far away.

But honestly, I am not ready to give up. That is what I have always done.

I have done something right because after this busy week, and busy last 2 months, I feel good. I wish I knew what it was specifically, but I bet I will eventually realize what it is 😁

Feelings…nothing more than feelings

Feelings have been on my mind a lot lately. I have pushed them down for so long. The less I do to avoid them, the more they come to the surface and come out of my mouth. Awkward and all.

The more I just observe without judgement the less I hide from my own self and the more I understand about my own actions.

I realize I am just plain afraid. Afraid of failing. Of starting. Of not getting a break.

My go to was to put pressure on myself. I am so weary of that. I am ready to face whatever it is.

I am ready to stop overeating keto foods. I am ready to stop looking for excuses to eat more or different things. I think in the beginning I did the best I could, but I am ready now to take it to the next level.

I am ready to deal with feeling the feelings I am trying to cover up with food. I am ready to make commitments to myself and keep them.

When I say”just forget it!” I realize now that is a cue that I am trying to gloss over something and not deal with it.

When I say “just get it!” in regards to eating or spending, that is also a cue that I am doing the wrong thing.

I am really trying to embrace that a feeling or a thought doesn’t have to become more than a passing feeling or thought.

I just gotta deal with it.

Weary

Today I am mentally and physically exhausted. If I thought last November was busy, with the 4 events(one a week for four weeks), that was nothin’. I feel like I have been going non stop through November and now into December.

This is where I see the problems arose in my thinking and my relationship with food. If I can’t have sleep, let me eat. If I can’t take a break, give me that candy. I am overwhelmed, take me out to eat… These are my default thoughts. I don’t act on them. But if there is keto food around, I am more likely to eat that. Hungry or not.

But not all the time. I find myself doing it less and less. Like today, I don’t feel like eating, I am too bummed out. I imagine this is how normal eaters feel when they are down!

Today I feel so down in the dumps. Just about a lot of things. Mainly I am just weary and in need of a rest. I don’t see one on the horizon any time soon and I don’t know what to do about that.

I used to eat. I have said before that food was my answer to most questions. If I even had the energy to do anything to get overworked about. Daily life got me down back then. I always wanted a clean house and when someone came over I did a marathon cleaning session in an attempt to make my impossible high standard a reality. Never mind after I was done, I hadn’t established any daily routines. I was exhausted and after my company left, I rested and my house became unmanageable again.

This year for Thanksgiving I took some time daily to do some jobs I wanted done. I still have weird standards and want the impossible. I just have to be satisfied with good enough. At least I have daily routines that keep things in check.

Lately I have been watching my Flylady videos again. Sometimes I take time to stop studying and actually implement the changes in the midst of living. But I am revisiting them and learning all over again. This time at a new level. I finally understand how to tweak the system for ME.

I have all the hope in the world I can learn new things and apply to them to my life as well!

Because I am so tired of attempting perfection. It only leads to exhaustion.

Day 3 of Keto Burn by Goody Beats

Eating keto again is such a huge relief. It may not be the final piece of the puzzle, but it is a pretty large piece. Cutting the sugar, and thereby cutting the cycle of crave, eat, crave, eat is major.

I almost done feel I am doing the Keto Burn program justice because I am not following it exactly. I am following it the best I can at this moment.

My clothes already feel loose!

One of the trackers that he recommended (Carb Manager) has really shed some light on things I was eating.

The exercise portion: I am still just learning the exercises and doing a few. I figure this is a better approach than all or nothing. Or my usual plan: crash and burn.

As for the meal plans and recipes: we are currently going to stick with what we are doing, keeping the macros in mind that Goody Beats recommends. We have been using Once A Month Meals planning service for 4 years. It was easy to switch from traditional meal plans to keto meals(and even paleo or low carb). I substitute a lot of leg quarters for chicken to save $. And we don’t eat steak very often.

Also I didn’t see any pork recipes in his plans. We eat pork at least twice a week. The Sam’s Club near me has incredible prices on pork (sometimes $1.30 a lb!!)

Even with all these substitutions, I still feel like I am doing the Keto Burn program and don’t want to cheat on keto! Something about the accountability. Even though I still use artificial sweeteners, even though I may still need a class to work through some issues, I am doing good enough for now. I am giving it my all. And that is good enough for today.