Weary

Today I am mentally and physically exhausted. If I thought last November was busy, with the 4 events(one a week for four weeks), that was nothin’. I feel like I have been going non stop through November and now into December.

This is where I see the problems arose in my thinking and my relationship with food. If I can’t have sleep, let me eat. If I can’t take a break, give me that candy. I am overwhelmed, take me out to eat… These are my default thoughts. I don’t act on them. But if there is keto food around, I am more likely to eat that. Hungry or not.

But not all the time. I find myself doing it less and less. Like today, I don’t feel like eating, I am too bummed out. I imagine this is how normal eaters feel when they are down!

Today I feel so down in the dumps. Just about a lot of things. Mainly I am just weary and in need of a rest. I don’t see one on the horizon any time soon and I don’t know what to do about that.

I used to eat. I have said before that food was my answer to most questions. If I even had the energy to do anything to get overworked about. Daily life got me down back then. I always wanted a clean house and when someone came over I did a marathon cleaning session in an attempt to make my impossible high standard a reality. Never mind after I was done, I hadn’t established any daily routines. I was exhausted and after my company left, I rested and my house became unmanageable again.

This year for Thanksgiving I took some time daily to do some jobs I wanted done. I still have weird standards and want the impossible. I just have to be satisfied with good enough. At least I have daily routines that keep things in check.

Lately I have been watching my Flylady videos again. Sometimes I take time to stop studying and actually implement the changes in the midst of living. But I am revisiting them and learning all over again. This time at a new level. I finally understand how to tweak the system for ME.

I have all the hope in the world I can learn new things and apply to them to my life as well!

Because I am so tired of attempting perfection. It only leads to exhaustion.

Day 3 of Keto Burn by Goody Beats

Eating keto again is such a huge relief. It may not be the final piece of the puzzle, but it is a pretty large piece. Cutting the sugar, and thereby cutting the cycle of crave, eat, crave, eat is major.

I almost done feel I am doing the Keto Burn program justice because I am not following it exactly. I am following it the best I can at this moment.

My clothes already feel loose!

One of the trackers that he recommended (Carb Manager) has really shed some light on things I was eating.

The exercise portion: I am still just learning the exercises and doing a few. I figure this is a better approach than all or nothing. Or my usual plan: crash and burn.

As for the meal plans and recipes: we are currently going to stick with what we are doing, keeping the macros in mind that Goody Beats recommends. We have been using Once A Month Meals planning service for 4 years. It was easy to switch from traditional meal plans to keto meals(and even paleo or low carb). I substitute a lot of leg quarters for chicken to save $. And we don’t eat steak very often.

Also I didn’t see any pork recipes in his plans. We eat pork at least twice a week. The Sam’s Club near me has incredible prices on pork (sometimes $1.30 a lb!!)

Even with all these substitutions, I still feel like I am doing the Keto Burn program and don’t want to cheat on keto! Something about the accountability. Even though I still use artificial sweeteners, even though I may still need a class to work through some issues, I am doing good enough for now. I am giving it my all. And that is good enough for today.

Day 1 of Keto burn program by Goody Beats

me in 2016
me in 2019 about 100 lbs lighter!

It is my official day one of the Keto Burn program by Goody Beats, aka Logan Delgado. I bought the program last week while it was on sale for Black Friday. I devoured the course and immediately started tracking my food with the Carb Manager app. He recommends that one and My fitness pal. I have used MFP on and off for years and decided to change it up.

For some reason(or reasons), just Deciding to purchase the program eliminated all the questions and second guessing around “what should I eat? Should I go paleo? Should I just be low carb? Should I continue keto?”

I have all the confidence in the world that if I encounter any obstacles, I will address them head on.

The program includes an at home work out program. I am only dipping a toe in to build up my strength. There are menus and recipes. But I am basically just following the macros. We already food prep.

The main thing I love are the videos. Today I watched about 4 of his YouTube videos. Goody Beats just has a wonderful energy and positive outlook.

the problem with keto is

About this time last year, I started having terrible muscle pains.

My dr said very quickly that I wasn’t drinking enough water and I was eating too much protein. I started drinking more water and the pain went away. Months later, my blood work still showed dehydration. And my hair was falling out.

The dr stressed again that I needed to eat a variety of foods including berries to get all the nutrients I need. I had done a little bit of research Into carnivore eating, but it didn’t seem to be working for me.

I asked the dr about transitioning to low carb or paleo, or even carbing up to have more variety and/or nutrients. She was fine with whatever I decided. But she did not want me to eat a lot of root vegetables. Which was exactly what I wanted! I noticed later that whatever diet I am doing, I want to know what foods the “free” foods are, and I really just want to overeat them.

I got a huge water container that makes it easy to track my water. That was another eye opener. I think I really believed I was getting my water in, but now I don’t think so.

The other half of drinking enough is cutting back on protein. I didn’t limit myself. It was all too easy to just eat 2 (or more portions of meat at a meal).

A few weeks ago, I had just had it with the muscle pain and I went vegan for a week. In short, I cannot do a vegan diet without some help/coaching! I was hungry all the time.

Going vegan did help me see one thing my dr had suggested: eat vegan with a serving of meat. Many times throughout that week, adding a little meat to my meal sounded delish.

I have also tried “carbing up” once a day. Which started out as fruit smoothies and towards the end it was always popcorn. I found that I would put all my hopes and dreams and feelings into eating the popcorn or sipping on that smoothie.

One reason I have started limiting portions was for cutting grocery costs. If cost was not an issue, I know I would be consuming endless keto treats and foods. But coming at it not from a weight loss angle but from a money perspective- I was now asking myself to cut my huge portions for another reason. A good reason. And I was on board!

So I started planning for ONE serving of meat at meals. Good for the finances, and the muscles! And instead of making a giant smoothie, I have a small serving of berries.

I have been struggling the last few weeks. Tossing and turning ideas over in my mind. Paleo vs Keto vs low carb. I have not been ready to lose the next 100 lbs. I have not been willing to do whatever it takes to feel better.

I have focused on my mental game. I have done free courses and listened to podcasts.

I have eaten whatever I wanted. I have stayed low carb for the most part. It has been good to see that I don’t want to just eat ANYthing. I don’t want to eat foods I am allergic to (eggs,dairy), I don’t want to eat sugar. I ate some foods that made me feel bad. I tasted some foods that just didn’t taste good. I am glad to know these things.

Going forward I will still tell myself I can eat whatever I want. It feels very freeing. Because I can eat whatever I want. I don’t want to eat stuff that raises my blood sugar or gives me hives. If I feel better not eating something, that is better to me!

For me keto isn’t a fad diet that helped me lose weight. It reversed my type 2 diabetes! I am not completely cured from all my food issues, but keto helps a LOT with cravings.

I am ready to tweak the keto diet so that it suits me.

I ready to lose the next 100 lbs. Whatever it takes.

If only I could start over

Today I found myself wishing I could simply start all over and do a keto/low carb/paleo diet knowing what I know now.

Well while I was typing this, I heard about a Black Friday deal that I couldn’t pass up and I bought a keto program.

It wasn’t long before the voices of doubt starting shouting “the code didn’t work, I paid full price!” I sent an email and hope that will get fixed soon.

“A lot of the recipes have dairy” Well I can sub out non dairy or just continue using my Once a Month meal plans.

“What if I should have picked low carb, or paleo, or something else??” Well then I will find out. But I am going to give this 60 day program a shot.

I may need to do another program another time(when finances allow), one that is more mentally based. But for now this is what I can do and I intend to do it fully.

I learn so much challenging myself a little and observing what happens. Today was a series of melt downs: wishing I could find a program, deciding to purchase, them immediately wishing I hadn’t.

I have spent so long avoiding making decisions. That makes decision making so hard. Harder than it needs to be. I hope it is like a muscle that will grow with use.

I am just going to dive in and make substitutions for eggs, dairy, and make the cheapest meals possible until my finances allow for more choices. I am going to make decisions and do my best to live with them.

Cookie Rosenblum has a thing she says on her podcasts and it is my hope and goal: “til overeating becomes just a thing you used to do.”

Why can’t I lose weight?

Actually losing weight is currently my secondary issue.

Why can’t I stop eating? Is the real question and the answer to why I can’t lose weight.

I am so pumped up right now. I am so pleased with my position and will prob need to remind myself (soon lol)! I am actually inspired to do as much as I can on my own! It just isn’t in the budget right now to take a weight loss course. There are several out there that interest me. But I am taking as much as I can get from the free materials and journaling and challenging myself like crazy.

Do I stay keto? Do I transition to low carb? Does it matter? Will it help? Will it derail me?

I am really looking forward to making my own food rules based on my experiences and of course my health(blood work, weight, etc).

I have already learned so much and made some tweaks. Just need to wait and see how the blood work turns out in a few months. The waiting drives me crazy.

I have to admit I am seeing some progress and small victories. I have twice now, stopped overeating and taken a minute to reflect and the urge completely passed. As I mentioned before, I am on my own, so I don’t know if this will just become my new normal or What!?! But I am encouraged going forward.

Project Me

I am so tired. Mentally and physically.

This week I have been trying to tune into my feelings. I have been trying to not just escape, but really try to hone in on what exactly I am trying to escape from. In some regards, I feel like I haven’t had a lot of success. But at least once, I figured out that I was overeating and still looking around for food to consume because I had worked hard, was tired and sore and was still trying to push myself to do more.

I decided that it was as if my mind and body were saying “If you can’t reward us by celebrating these wins and taking a rest, at least let’s eat.”

The scary part of all this is that I am just reading and listening to podcasts and doing the best I can to decipher all my feelings! I don’t feel qualified. But just recently I declared that I was becoming an expert on myself, so I guess maybe I am qualified.